I'm 38 today!

I planned on writing a more articulate post to celebrate this occasion but I'm also pretty bad at following plans.

It’s my 38th birthday, which Don Draper would probably tell me to get over but like whatever man. I’ve got thoughts. I’m less scared of turning 40 than I used to be. The older I get, the more I realize that 40 isn’t even that old. It’s enough time to realize how much the world sucks, enough time to realize that I can’t really do much about it, enough time to realize that I just need to be content with what I have.

We’re all talking about the threat of AI now. Social media sucks. LA is on fire. Trump’s about to take office. Justin Trudeau resigned in disgrace and Canada is about to get another run of the mill conservative PM. A former version of me would have been paranoid and anxious but I find myself feeling more ambivalent going into this year. I don’t know if that makes me an asshole, but there’s literally nothing I can do about the wars and climate change and the people organizing political propaganda behind the scenes.

Like the only way it seems a person can really incite change these days is by breaking the law and like, I’m not going to be the person who’s doing that. I’m just some part-time working type-1 diabetic mom with two kids and a husband to love. I’ve got obligations. I’ve got novels to write.

And writing is all I can do at the moment.

This past week I finished writing my novel, MOMMY COMPLEX. It took me longer than I thought because I got diagnosed with anemia and had to get an iron infusion over the holidays and I also got sick with the flu and was bedridden for a while. Nevertheless, I got the novel done. I’m proud of it. I like it so far. There will still be another draft to write but I want to get some trusted eyeballs on the thing before I get all obsessive and weird again.

I know some writers will have a good cry after writing, and the day after I finished MOMMY COMPLEX, I was cleaning the house and feeling really good because it’s been a damn long while since I’ve given my house some love. And eventually the emotion just took over, and I sat down and had a good ugly cry. It’s the best I’ve felt in quite a while.

*sigh*

Looking forward to 2025, all I can really say is that I want to spend a lot less time on social media. Like we all know the internet is just worse than it ever was, and if you don’t, then it might be time to talk a walk without headphones or call your mom or something, but like, I had to give up a lot of social media just to write my novel. I also started working more and stopped posting outfit photos and TikTok videos. I was a bit saddened about this at first, because sharing my fashion has always been a form of self-expression for me, but it wasn’t like I was getting a lot of traction on any of the platforms I was sharing my stuff on because I wasn’t following all the fucking algorithm rules anyway. It just got to the point that it didn’t matter. The people I see IRL see my self-expression. I guess it’s enough. Like it’s either my day to day life just be enough to keep me happy, otherwise I’m literally just GOING OUT OF MY WAY to try to get attention, and that’s literally just a waste of my time, so like, I’m rambling. Long story short, I wanna use social media less.

I ended up on Facebook more this year because it has a better balance between writer friends I engage with with irl people. I hate Facebook with a passion but like, there isn’t a better place for me to share random life updates to the audience I’d like to share it to than there.

I’m still on BlueSky but my need for a platform like that has waned.

I like things best here on Substack because it keeps up that blogging vibe I had as a teenager.

What I really miss is forums, but I think that’s just a product of a bygone era. I dunno. I miss was the internet used to be. And so I’ll just spend less time on it and more time playing boardgames with my kid. We recently got Chronicles of Avel for Christmas, and I had a damn fine time playing that.

More family time. More writing time. More reading time. That’s really all I need. That and probably more faith time, which is a subject that I don’t often talk about because identifying as a "Christian” is so cringe and has been cringe for my entire life. I do credit my faith as being something that’s kept me grounded through a lot of my life in the last handful of years, and I hope I can find ways of talking about it on here. It’s something I’ve kept guarded about myself for a while. Recently I’ve been watching random services from pastor Ben Dixon (who is also a leftist political commentator on YouTube). This bible study particularly spoke to me over the holidays. Like I was sobbing in the bathtub while listening. It’s a great experience I’d recommend.

Anyway, I’ll probably be writing more train of thought kind of posts like this in the future. I used to get so perfectionist about blogging and I just, I want to feel free to express myself again.

And I thank everyone who’s here, who’s reading this. It means the world to me that my thoughts resonate with others. If you’re here at the end, you’re the people I want to see my work. You’re the reason why I write and I hope to have more for you soon.

In the meantime, you can still buy ENDING IN ASHES if you’d like to make my day.